Something Funny & Amusing

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Morale Of The Story: Never Ever Mess With An Old Lady.

Be Extra Careful When You're At KLIA

A few days ago a new type of crime has surfaced in town.

Somebody slips a handphone into your pocket.

Sometimes it could be just a wallet with an identity card and a few ringgits.

A few minutes later, the 'owner' comes up and confronts you, the 'thief '.

He makes a big commotion that you stole his stuff.

You, caught unaware, are then pulled aside by the 'owner' for a settlement you are intimidated and threatened that if you do not pay up, the police will be brought in.

If you pay up, this 'owner' lets you go. If not, the police are brought in.

Another strange thing is that there always seems to be a 'witness' to the ‘incident’.

I am told this often happens to foreigners at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) or even at LRT trains.

Given that you're 'guilty until proven innocent' as far as the Malaysian police are concerned, I understand some poor people are in jail for these 'offences'.

At the KLIA, the 'owner' throws his handphone and wallet with the few ringgit notes into the luggage trolley of a just arrived passenger.

The drama unfolds a few minutes later. The real culprit has easily convinced our Malaysian police to arrest the real victim (if he has not paid up the 'settlement' demand).

This is a very serious matter. This is another form of extortionists operating in broad daylight.

They are disgusting criminals who will do anything to rob and steal.

The sickening part of the whole scenario is that unless you pay the "quoted settlement" money, they will put you in real trouble by calling the police.

The real culprit gets back his handphone and wallet but the real victim (i.e. could be any one of us) is thrown into the police lock up and charged in court.

So do be very careful, otherwise you may end up as a "thief" as you have no way to prove your innocence.

What Would Be Your Answer IF

What would you answer IF your ex-gf/bf come asking you these questions?

Why did I let you go?
Errrmm….cause you didn’t wanna keep me.

Can I win you back?
What do you think I am, a tournament?

I am very much happy with you back then..
Oh really???

I still love you...
That’s surprising

I wish I could turn back time and do things right.
That sounds very familiar

When did we last talk?
Ages ago

Can you go with me?
I can’t and I won’t

Hey, can I give you/ask for a ride?
Nope

Were you able to move on when I have not?
Yes and that’s why we’re not in the same time zone

I regret losing you.
Luckily I don’t regret anything

I cannot keep my promise to you..
Then don’t make any promises you can’t keep

My parents do not like you.
Who cares

My friends say we don't look good together.
They have a good point

You look good today.
I look good everyday

You have changed...
And you’re still the same…..how pathetic

Something Worth Reading

Here's something I received from a friend of mine in KL through my email. Enjoy reading it.

IMPACT OF JOB-CHANGE

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped only centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said:

"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years.

Things You Should Do For Your Girlfriend

Here are some useful tips on how you should treat your girlfreind:

1. Sneak up behind her, grab her by the waist, tell her she’s beautiful, tell her that she has amazing eyes

2. When your friends walk by, say “This is my girlfriend.”

3. Say ‘I love you” to her face, not over the phone or myspace

4. If she’s sad, take her in your arms and tell her everything will be okay, kiss her on the forehead.

5. When both of you walking together, walk with her walk slowly.

6. Tickle her even when she says stop.

7. Call her just to say "I Love You."

8. Don't be afraid to hold her hand in public.

9. Don’t say I love you UNLESS you really mean it.

World's Top Celebrities

It was a year of conquest in Hollywood. The worldwide box office soared to a record $25.8 billion, buoyed by global blockbusters like Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and Sony's Da Vinci Code. Madonna reclaimed her title as the mightiest force in music, thanks to her record-breaking Confessions tour, which drew over a million fans and generated $195 million in ticket sales. And golf ace Tiger Woods banked $100 million, more in a single year than any athlete in history.

Tinseltown's triumphs are reflected in this year's Celebrity 100, Forbes' annual list of the world's most powerful--and best-paid--celebrities. To generate the list, Forbes analyzes celebrity earnings, plus media metrics like Google hits, press mentions as compiled by Lexis/Nexis, TV/radio mentions from Factiva and the number of times an A-lister appears on the cover of 32 major consumer magazines.

Earnings estimates are for June 2006 to June 2007 and consist of dollars earned solely from entertainment-related income. Management, agent and attorney fees have not been deducted. Tiger Woods wasn't the only one shattering Celebrity 100 records this year.

Thanks to his share in the box office gross of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, actor Johnny Depp made $92 million in the last 12 months, more than most any other actor has ever earned for a film role. (Mel Gibson made $184 million in 2004 from The Passion of the Christ, but as the producer and director.) With their Bigger Bang tour, the Rolling Stones now own bragging rights to the highest-grossing tour in history, with over $400 million in ticket sales.

For the first time ever, Forbes breaks out Hip-Hop Impresarios as a separate category from Musicians. That's because the three biggest big shots in that field--Jay-Z, 50 Cent and Sean "Diddy" Combs--earn most of their income from their business ventures, including apparel lines, record labels and investments.

Following his triumphant comeback from retirement, rapper Jay-Z debuts on the list in the ninth spot, bolstered by the March sale of his Rocawear clothing label to Iconix for $204 million in cash. 50 Cent should enjoy a sizable jump next year. After Forbes went to press, Coca Cola (nyse: KO - news - people ) offered $4.1 billion for Glaceau, the vitamin-infused beverage company in which the former crack dealer owns a minor stake. 50's anticipated take: $100 million.

This year 29 newcomers make the list, including Ben Stiller, whose big-budget special effects farce Night at the Museum grossed $573 million worldwide. His participation in the film's "backend" helped him bank $38 million, more money than Celebrity 100 veterans Adam Sandler ($30 million) and Will Smith ($31 million).

Also new this year is the cast of ABC's hit TV series Grey's Anatomy. It wasn't only the $33 million the entire cast made in its recently concluded third season that earned them a coveted spot on the Celebrity 100. (That figure includes the salary of the recently canned Isaiah Washington.) The show's relentless off-set drama--salary disputes, feuding cast-mates, homophobic slurs--crowned it as one of the most talked about shows on television.

Equally noteworthy are the celebrities who fell off the list this year. Box office duds hurt Jim Carrey, Halle Berry and Cameron Diaz. Last year, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady won a spot primarily for his $26 million contract signing bonus, but not a single NFL'er makes the list this year. Tabloid staples Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have seen their stock tumble on the heels of legal troubles.

The year's biggest gainers include actress-advocate Angelina Jolie, who bounces to the 14th spot this year from 35th last year, thanks in no small measure to the media maelstrom surrounding her relationship with Brad Pitt. Soccer star David Beckham jumps to 15th this year, from 43rd, on the heels of his lucrative new deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy. Food Network chef turned talk show princess Rachael Ray moves into the 66th spot this year from 81st last year.

World's Top Football Club

Here are the top football clubs in the world based on their net value:

1. Manchester United (Eng) - $1.453 billion

2. Real Madrid (Spa) - $1.036 billion

3. Arsenal (Eng) - $915.0 million

4. Bayern Munich (Ger) - $838.0 million

5. AC Milan (Ita) - $824.0 million

6. Juventus (Ita) - $567.0 million

7. Inter Milan (Ita) - $555.0 million

8. Chelsea (Eng) - $537.0 million

9. Barcelona (Spa) - $535.0 million

10. Schalke 04 (Ger) - $471.0 million

11. Liverpool (Eng) - $454.0 million

12. Olympique Lyonnais (Fra) - $343.0 million

13. Newcastle United (Eng) – $260.0 million

14. Tottenham Hotspur (Eng) - $243.0 million

15. AS Roma (Ita) - $224.0 million

16. Hamburg SV (Ger) - $221.0 million

17. Manchester City (Eng) - $208.0 million

18. Borussia Dortmund (Ger) - $199.0 million

19. Ajax Amsterdam (Hol) - $196.0 million

20. Celtic (Sco) - $185.0 million

21. Everton (Eng) - $165.0 million

22. Olympique Marseille (Fra) - $157.0 million

23. West Ham United (Eng) - $156.0 million

24. Glasgow Rangers (Sco) - $147.0 million

25. Aston Villa (Eng) - $140.0 million

How To Treat Your Girlfriend.....

Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything

Tease her and let her tease you back.

Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

Watch her favorite movie with her.

Don’t hang out with other girls to make her mad.

Give her the world.

Let her wear your clothes.

When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

Let her know she's important.

Kiss her in the pouring rain.

When she runs up at you crying... the first thing you say is..."Who's ass am I beating today baby?"

Malaysia's Richest

Shiok, the Malay word for fantastic, is an apt word to describe the past 12 months for Malaysia's 40 Richest. It has been a remarkably good year for nearly everyone on our second annual list, thanks to the nation's thriving economy, which has been helped by recent government moves to reduce taxes. The stock market is up more than 20% to date, making it the third-best-performing market in Asia behind China and Vietnam. At least 75% of the public companies held by these tycoons are worth more than last year. The nation's 40 richest business people are worth a collective $43 billion, up from $26 billion last year.

Robert Kwok

Robert Kuok remains Malaysia's richest, worth $7.6 billion. Just $200 million behind him is No. 2 Ananda Krishnan, who made headlines in May when he announced plans to take his telecom company, Maxis, private in a $5 billion deal. Malaysia's ten richest still control the bulk of the list's wealth, worth $35 billion, up 63% from the previous year. But the individuals lower in the ranks are doing well, too. Last year a dozen people were worth less than $100 million; the minimum net worth was $65 million. This year no one is worth less than $127 million.

Ananda Krishnan

Eight of the rich listers are newcomers, most put there by recent offerings or dramatic gains in public holdings. Mokhzani Mahathir, son of the former prime minister, joins the ranks after taking his energy company Kencana public in December. Seri Eleena Raja Azlan Shah becomes the list's second woman, thanks to her shareholding in thriving construction firm Gamuda, up 90% in the past year. The richest newcomer is Singapore resident Ong Beng Seng, the tireless dealmaker who just recently persuaded Formula One's Bernie Ecclestone to hold a Grand Prix-style race on the streets of Singapore, most probably at night, a world's first.

Mr. Lim Goh Tong

Even most dropoffs from last year's rankings have little reason to pout. Former head of Multi-Purpose Holdings, Lim Thian Kiat, saw his net worth rise $31 million to $126 million. Not bad, but not enough to make the cut. For people with publicly traded fortunes, net worths were calculated using share prices and exchange rates from May 11. For privately held fortunes we estimated what companies and assets were worth if public.